


Missing him was dark gray

by shannon_beth



Category: One Direction (Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-21
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-26 00:08:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1667495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shannon_beth/pseuds/shannon_beth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lilo soulmate</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missing him was dark gray

Liam kicks off his shoes and calls out Niall’s name. He’s surprised not to be greeted with a kiss. Niall knows his uni schedule, knows when he gets home. Liam’s always greeted at the door. Niall was like a constantly excited puppy. When Liam gets home Niall always bounds through the flat to greet Liam. Always had a big grin, like seeing Liam was the best thing in the world. Not surprisingly, Liam’s smile always mirrored Niall’s.  
He walks throughout the flat, periodically calling out Niall’s name. When he finally makes it to the kitchen he sees a note on the counter. 

_Hey babe ! just went for a run be back in a bit! love you xx nialler_

Of course. Niall’s be training for a 5k. Since the run’s next weekend, Niall’s apparently added extra running sessions.  
Liam heads to the bedroom, grabbing his backpack on the way. The plan was to get some homework done before Niall returned. Lord knows he’s a pain in the ass after a run;  
 _‘Liam I’m sore.’ ‘Liam give me a massage.’ ‘Leeeyyuuummm why won’t you shower with me?’ ‘Liam if you tell me I smell bad one more time I’ll be forced to suck you off.’_

Liam always tells Niall that he smells. Always.

As Liam opens the door to his and Niall’s bedroom his whole world goes gray. It takes Liam .4 seconds to make sense of this before he’s collapsed in the doorway. He’s sobbing before he even hits the ground. 

He hears his phone ring, but he doesn’t bother answering. He knows what they’re going to say. They’re going to say things he doesn’t want to hear. 

He lays there for hours before his Mum shows up, tears in her eyes. She gets Liam to bed, and tries to make him eat some soup she’s brought over. Eventually he runs out of tears. He just sits there gasping like someone’s choking him. His mum tries to get Liam to talk but he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even know what to say. He hears her from the living room talking on the phone. To Nicola, he thinks. But he can’t be bothered to listen in. He doesn’t care.  
The tears return, and he’s sobbing again.  
When his mum hears him crying she comes in and sits on the bed and places her hands over Liam’s right one where it’s strewn across Niall’s side.

“What happened?” Liam manages to choke out.  
“He went for a run. While he was out, crossing the street he was stuck by a car, honey. The driver didn’t see him. He died instantly.” She whispers while rubbing soothing circles on his hand. “I’m so sorry, Liam.”

The rest of the day passes in a long, gray blur. 

-

Liam stays in bed a lot. He skips a lot of classes too. He’s having hard time seeing what’s worth living for. He had his soulmate, and he lost him. What’s left to do?

-

“Alright Liam, get up. We’re getting you out of this flat today.” Zayn announces, grabbing Liam’s suitcase from the back of the closet.  
He vaguely feels Harry dragging him out of bed by his feet. Barely feels it when it slides off the bed and lands on his ass. He does hear Zayn though.  
“Harry, dammit, that’s not what I meant when I said we were getting him out of bed! For God’s sake he’s gotten a broken heart, he doesn’t need a broken ass too!” 

He hears Harry’s mumbled apologies in his ear. Zayn squats down until his face is level with Liam’s. Zayn brings his right hand up to Liam’s cheek, while his left wraps around the back of Liam’s neck. With their foreheads pressed together Zayn murmurs, “You’re moving in with me and Harry, alright Li? We’re not gonna leave you here anymore babe.” Liam hears him, but he’s still focusing on what he said earlier. 

A broken heart seems like a pretty inadequate way to describe this pain. He thinks it’s more like his heart has been ripped out of his chest. Definitely not just broken.

\- 

It’s been four months since Liam lost Niall, and yet the pain hasn’t subsided. It hasn’t even dulled. Liam doesn’t mind though. Doesn’t even mind the gray, honestly. What’s the point of color if there’s no Niall?  
He still remembers every detail about Niall. He still remembers the way his voice sounded when he first woke up in the morning. He remembers the way Niall used to tuck his feet under Liam’s bum while they watched a movie, and how he used to wiggle his toes to tickle Liam if the movie was too boring for his liking. He remembers his smile too. So endearing and adorable. He remembers his laugh. Liam’s favorite was Niall’s giggle. He remembers how handsy Niall used to get when he was drunk. He remembers his hands and how they felt on Liams body, always so gentle and attentive.  
Mostly he remembers Niall’s blue eyes. So earnest and always excited. 

Sometimes Liam tries to picture what colors things are supposed to be. Like when the sun is shining, he tries to remember the yellow or the green of the trees.  
He doesn’t try to remember what it’s like to see a blue sky though. That blue can’t compare to the blue of Niall’s eyes so why even bother. 

So really, Liam doesn’t mind the gray one bit.

\- 

He loves Zayn and Harry, he really does. He’s so glad they have each other. But he’s also jealous that they still have each other. He knows it’s not their fault, obviously. And they’ve made a huge effort not to be so couple-y all the time, but they can’t hide the damn love-dovey eyes, can they?  
Sometimes, when Liam is feeling exceptionally low, he’ll torture himself and think of more than just the colors of Niall. He’ll think back to when they first met and how new and exciting it was, and sometimes he’ll smile at the thought.

He remembers sitting in his maths class (easily his least favorite because math is hard), when all of the sudden there was color everywhere. He could see that the color of the sky was blue, and that the grass was green. He could see a blue-jay perched on the branch of a tree just outside the classroom.  
He knew this was supposed to happen, but who? He looked up in time to see a blonde boy with the most gorgeous blue eyes plop down next to him. The grin on his face told Liam that he sees the colors too. Liam sticks out his hand and says, ‘Liam.’ The blonde boy shakes Liam’s hand and says, ‘Niall. Pleased to finally meet you, Liam.”  
He remembers the butterflies that he felt the rest of the day. He remembers how Niall put his hand on Liam’s thigh to stop it from bouncing so much.  
He remembers running home after school to tell his Mum all about the colors and the new boy, Niall. She was so excited, so were his sisters. She insisted Liam have Niall over for dinner that weekend.  
And he did and it was great. And he was in love in no time. Niall made it easy to fall in love with him, what with all the charm and happiness and excitement for life.  
And Niall fell in love with him too. He said it was easy for him because Liam was so brave and strong, and he was so good at grounding Niall. 

Until Niall was gone, Liam never realized how much Niall grounded him too. Niall had been his rock and now he was gone. 

-

After graduation Liam gets a job and falls into a routine. He stills live with Zayn and Harry and they don’t seem to mind. Liam doesn’t mind the lovey-dovey eyes so much anymore. When Liam catches Zayn watching Harry, it doesn’t hurt anymore. Instead a sense of nostalgia takes over and temporarily blocks the pain.  
The pain. It’s still there. Not sharp like it once was, more dull and ever present. He can think of Niall and smile. He can think of Niall and not crumble to the floor from the pain of his absence. 

On one particularly cold morning, Liam trudges into work and plops down at his desk. He hates his job, but he’s grateful to have it. It helps pays the bill, and it’s something to occupy his time.  
He’s busy reading through a manuscript when something flashes, and something has changed. Nervously, Liam peaks through the window of his office. 

Colors. Everywhere.

Liam can see that the sky is blue, but hiding behind the fluffy white clouds. He can see that the leaves are changing colors to signal the onset of fall. He can see that the bird in the tree is in fact a cardinal. And he hates it. This was absolutely not part of the plan. 

Liam hears someone clear their throat behind him, but he refuses to look. He feels sick. He honestly feels like he’s about to throw up.  
This has to be a joke.

He found his soulmate.  
He found his soulmate, and he spent not enough time being in love with him before he was taken from Liam.

Liam refuses to go through it all again. So he waits. He waits until he hears the person walk away.

When Liam’s absolutely certain there is no one behind him he sneaks a glance over his left shoulder. He packs a bag and heads toward the reception desk. He leaves a message with the receptionist that he’s gone home sick for the day.  
And that’s not a lie. He is sick. 

\- 

When Zayn gets home from work and finds Liam in bed he doesn’t hesitate to crawl in and curl himself around Liam.

“What’re you doing home already, Leeyum?” He feels rather than hears Zayn whisper against the back of his neck.

“The sky was too blue to stay sat in my office all day.” Liam whispers back. He immediately feels Zayn tense up behind him. Liam rolls over to face Zayn, and he can’t help but cry again. He cries into Zayn’s shoulder for an embarrassingly long time.

-

When Harry comes home and finds Zayn and Liam still curled up in bed he joins them, wrapping himself around Liam, with his chest pressed to Liam’s back.  
“What’s going on Li?”  
When Liam doesn’t say anything, Zayn answers for him.  
“He said the sky was too blue to stay at the office any more.”  
It takes Harry a few moments to understand the implications of the sentence, but when he does he sits up and grabs Liam’s shoulders.  
“What?” he nearly shouts. “Who was it Liam? Was it a girl? A guy? What did they look like? Were they fit?” Liam can see the excitement in Harry’s eyes. He can see the happiness in Harry’s smile, and fuck if that doesn’t piss him off.  
“Shuddup, Harry. I didn’t look!” Liam yells, sitting up. He can feel the anger building. How dare Harry sound happy for Liam. What about Niall? Under no circumstance should there be any happiness. He had Niall, and he doesn’t want anyone else!

“You don’t wanna know who it is?” he hears Zayn say gently from behind him. Liam whips his head around to face Zayn.  
“No, I don’t want to know who it is, Zayn! I had Niall! That’s all I want.” he shouts. He notices the way Zayn flinches away from him, but he doesn’t care. He’s far too enraged to care.  
“Li, Niall’s gone.” Harry whispers. The excitement has gone from his voice, but that does not make Liam any less angry.  
Liam untangles himself from the sheets and goes and stands at the foot of the bed.  
“I know Niall is gone, Harry. I feel his absence every damn day. I miss him every damn day. I loved him with everything I had and he is gone. Just because some new person walks in and colors my life, I’m supposed to accept it? I’m just supposed to fall in love with a new person and forget about Niall? That’s fucked up, and I refuse to do it.”  
Liam spins on heels and heads to bathroom. He locks the door behind him and turns on the shower. He gets in when the water is still much to hot but he doesn’t care.

-

The next day he goes in to work. The worst thing about all of this is that the other person, they see the colors too. They know that Liam is their soulmate. If Liam were the only one who could see it, it would be fine. But this other person will probably try and talk to him, ya know, like they’re supposed to. Liam will have to be firm and make it clear he is not interested. He gave his heart to Niall and that’s it for him.

When he finally sits at his desk he takes a look around the office. His eyes scanning for this person. Finally his eyes settle on him. Another dude, Liam thinks. He can only see the back of his head, and that’s fine with Liam. He imagines he’ll only be disappointed when he sees the front of him.  
Then he turns around and when he catches Liam staring his eye crinkle up with an enormous smiles, and fuck, he’s pretty.  
The young man gets up and heads toward Liam.  
He extends his hand and says, “Hello, I’m Louis.” Much to Liam’s own surprise he takes Louis’ hand and responds, “Liam.”

“Pleased to finally meet you, Liam.”  
-

The weeks pass by slowly, as always. Liam’s adjusted to seeing all the colors. He doesn’t mind it so much. He was right though, the blue of the sky doesn’t compare to the blue of Niall’s eyes.  
He finds his mind doesn’t wander to Niall as much anymore.  
Much to his dismay, his thoughts are often filled with thoughts of Louis. He’ll be reading a book on a Sunday afternoon, and suddenly he’ll find himself wondering what Louis’ up to. He’ll be playing fifa with Zayn, getting his ass kicked, when he’ll start to wonder whether Louis is any good at fifa.  
And when Liam finds himself thinking about Louis he’s mortified. He’ll immediately fill his mind with memories of Niall.  
It doesn’t work though. His mind will always wander back to Louis. 

He talks to Louis at work sometimes. Always in passing, never long conversations that hold any importance. They never discuss the colors or what it’s supposed to mean. Liam thinks Louis is beginning to get that Liam isn’t interested. He stops by Liam’s desk less often. His smile never reaches his eyes now when he greets Liam in the morning. He doesn’t really bother saying goodbye at the end of the day anymore.

And Liam’s glad that it gets it. He’s happy Louis understands he’s not interested. 

He doesn’t miss hearing Louis laugh when Liam is painfully awkward during conversation. He doesn’t miss Louis’ miserable jokes. He definitely doesn’t miss catching Louis staring at him throughout the day. 

It takes awhile before Liam realizes that the colors are starting dull. The gray is seeping back in, and that confuses Liam. He starts to wonder if maybe Louis is sick, and if he’s dying. He’s wants to know that Louis is okay. He wants so badly for Louis to be okay, but he can’t ask him. He can’t ask Louis if he’s alright because if he does, well then he might think that Liam is interested in him. Which Liam is most definitely not.

The day he notices the colors getting duller he climbs into Zayn and Harry’s bed and waits for them to get home. They haven’t talked about Louis. Harry and Zayn don’t even know his name. No one has said anything about it since that first day.  
Harry’s the first home that night. When he finds Liam he sits on the edge of the bed and waits.

“The colors are getting duller, Harry. What does that mean?” Liam tries to hide the panic in his voice, but he does a terrible job. Harry doesn’t say anything at first. Just traces patterns on Liam’s back.  
“I dunno, Li. What do you think it means?” He finally says.

“I dunno either, Harry. Could, could it mean, maybe, that Louis is sick? That Louis is sick and he’s dying?” The panic still clear in Liam’s voice.

“Are you worried about him?” 

“No, of course not. Niall was my.. that would be.. awful. I just… I’m just curious.” He buries his face in Zayn’s pillow. Why wasn’t it Zayn that came home first. Zayn is much better at comforting Liam than Harry is. He hears Harry sigh and he stops rubbing Liam’s back.  
Liam hears Harry get up and start to pace next to the bed.  
Then Harry pauses, “Liam, you would not be a bad person to fall in love with Louis.” Liam doesn’t say anything. He thinks that over for a minute. 

“Yes, Harry, I would. What about Niall? Niall was my fir-“ before Liam can finish, Harry’s interrupting him.

“Niall would want you to be happy!” Harry booms, “Niall wouldn’t want you living your life in misery! He wouldn’t want you to miss another chance at happiness! That’s what you’re doing, Li, by refusing to meet Louis halfway in this, you’re missing another chance to be happy. Niall would be pissed at you. Hell, he’s probably yelling at you from wherever he his right now!” Liam’s trembling a bit. He wants to cry. He wants so badly to cry because as much as he hates it, as much as he wants to yell at Harry, Liam knows that he’s right. He’s known that all along, but it just doesn’t seem fair to Niall.

“Niall didn’t get a second chance at happiness.” Liam finally whispers, tears rolling down his cheeks. Harry sighs and sits on the bed again. He wipes away the tears with the pads of his thumb. 

“What happened to Niall sucked, Li. It was total bullshit, but you’re still here, and you’re skipping out on your second chance at happiness, and that’s bullshit too.” They sit in a silence for bit as Liam thinks about Louis and what it might be like to be in love with him.

They both hear the front door open, and Harry gets up to greet Zayn. He hears Harry speaking to Zayn. Then they start arguing.

“He brought it up, Zayn.”  
“What the hell did you say to him, Harry?”  
“The same thing I said to you the last time we talked about this.”

There’s more yelling but Liam is too preoccupied to hear them. He thinks about Louis. He replays every moment they’ve had together since Louis showed up. It’s a short list of memories, but it still leaves Liam smiling. 

He hears Zayn approaching the room so Liam sits up.  When Zayn enters the room Liam speaks before Zayn gets the chance to.

“I’m going to talk to Louis tomorrow, Zayn.” Zayn hesitates before he answers. 

“If that’s what you want, then good for you Liam.” 

-

Liam wakes with a start. He spent most of the night tossing and turning, going over possible ways to approach Louis. He wonders if Louis will be mad at him, for wasting all this time. 

He gets to work 15 minutes earlier than usual. He decides to wait outside the building for Louis. He has butterflies, a sensation he hasn’t had for awhile. He can’t wipe the stupid grin off of his face. The colors are still dull, but he hopes they’ll be bright again soon. 

When Louis finally shows up Liam is bouncing, he’s so excited.  
He grins widely at Louis who looks mildly confused.  
“Good morning, Liam. You alright, mate?” Louis questions as he makes his way towards Liam.

“Oh I’m great, thanks! There was something I wanted to talk to you about, actually.” Liam rushes out. 

“Oh yeah?” Louis says as he takes a step closer to Liam, a small smile playing on his lips. “What do you wanna talk about?” 

And suddenly every line he rehearsed this morning in bed is gone. He has no idea where to start so he’s just standing there smiling at Louis. And Louis’ just smiling back at him, and they both look like huge idiots.

And then Liam’s grabbing Louis’ face and crashing his lips onto Louis’. Louis tenses for a moment, but then he’s kissing Liam back with equal enthusiasm.

When they break apart Liam knows he’s smiling wider than he has in months now. He glances down at Louis who’s standing there with a contemplative look on his face and a smirk tugging at his lips.

“I see, Liam. Very interesting.” Louis intertwines their fingers and they walk into the office, smiling at each other stupidly. “We’ll have to grab dinner after to work so we can discuss this matter further.” Liam nods excitedly.

And then Liam glances behind them, and he notices the sky. It’s blue, but it’s a special blue. A blue he’d only seen once before, on the eyes of the first boy he loved.


End file.
